Pour some SUCK on me (what? too obvious?)

Last Tuesday an event occurred that somehow escaped my attention. This was a serious oversight on my part, and I am truly, truly sorry.

Def Leppard released a new record.

Wow.

I don't even know where to begin.

Def Leppard, for those of you that somehow don't know, are a British Heavy Metal band from England, started in 1977. They "peaked" (yes, they were pretty huge for a while) in the early to mid 80's before embarking on a muti-year journey attempting to record what they hoped would be their biggest record, "Hysteria", which suffered many setbacks, not least of which was their drummer lost an arm.

But that didn't stop them! Not the Leppard, as I have never called them once. Their drummer (Rick Allen for those of you keeping score at home) learned to play with one arm and an elaborate pedal system, and "Hysteria" went on to sell four billion copies (maybe somewhat of an exaggeration).

They released a record of new material in 2002 and it sucked. Really bad. Though I did see them in concert at a state fair(!) in 2000 or so and they played only old stuff and not one new song, which was nice. Especially since they do have some fun, hair metal songs like "Rocket", "Photograph" and of course the crowd-pleaser "Pour Some Sugar On Me". But the key phrase there is "Old stuff". New stuff should never be written, let alone recorded and released into the public. This is a band who's musical style was nearly outdated when it began in the 80's. I mean, let me be honest, I love 80's metal (thanks college roommate Neil), but that sound belongs squarely in that time period. Attempts to resurrect it and forge a new sound nearly always ends in complete and utter humiliation (see: Brett Michaels).

Which brings us to "Songs from the Sparkle Lounge" Really? That's the title you're going with guys? Ok.

Allegedly they were going to make this record with their longtime producer "Mutt" Lange, with whom they collaborated on "Hysteria" to tons and tons of cash and sex with women. (Side note: On tour, they would often perform "in the round", on a circular stage with a green room below stage. In this green room, groups of groupies were hanging out and during extended solos bands members would head below stage and receive a little boost before resuming their difficult jobs of rocking everyone's faces off.) BUT, Mutt was too busy and they had to settle on some other guy who thought it would be a great idea to get Tim McGraw to come on board and lend some vocals to a boring song. Woo, worthless country crossover!

Anyway, this record isn't very good. Obviously. There are a couple of their signature slow ballads, lots of soaring vocals and guitars but there is too much of an attempt to make their sound fit in with the radio-ready modern rock that bands like Nickelback and Shittastank put out on a yearly basis. I understand the desire to want to keep on rockin', but there's a point where you have to realize the best thing to do is to keep touring on the old material and fade off into the sunset, counting your ridiculous piles of money. No one needs a new Def Leppard album, my copy of "Hysteria" and "High and Dry" still sound just fine on my ipod.

And I'm not going to comment on the way they spell their band's name.

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